Hello Friends!

My life has gotten a little more grown up lately... New forever love of my life, new house, new job and officially a honeymooner Mrs.! Everything is a shiny adventure and untrodden territory. Follow along as I navigate the world of being a grown up!

6.23.2008

Does growing up include becoming numb to certain things? I feel like in order to survive, I am building walls around myself, not letting people in. Maybe it is just my own recent trauma that has caused my lack of "need" for anyone else, but not needing other people, although feeling perfectly normal, seems like a negative extreme in the opposite direction from depending on others all the time.

It is a fine line between the two - depending on others for my own happiness or self-worth and leaning on them when I need help are the ends of each side of the spectrum. It's about finding the balance between the two. Someone I respect told me today that, "It's a pendulum. Everything is. Balance isn't staying in the middle. It's keeping the fluctuations small." Who knew he would actually instill some helpful insight into me? Well actually, despite it all, he always seems to...

So if you have not seen me for some time, please know that it is not you, it's me. If you have seen me recently... you are either my family or have been in my heart for too many years for me to build a wall to keep you out.

Please do not give up on me. I will find my balance soon. It is here. I just need to find my safety net again.

1 comment:

Jason said...

I don't really understand the pendulum thing, sounds like college trigonometry. So I'll dumb it down to my level, elementary arithmetic.

So let's picture a teeter totter.

I guess the way I see it, based on your post, is you've been giving so much of yourself to another person (or people) for so long, and forgot about what's most important, YOU. Kinda like a grumpy 100 pound boy alone on a teeter totter.

Sounds like you've been that boys 50lb girlfriend, bouncing and pulling trying everything to lift him up. A fun game because at times you're both happy enjoying the ride until he comes crashing back down because you manage all his "weight." But seeing him happy makes you happy, then the game changes to you trying to make him happy, then his happiness is your self worth. But in the end you're exhausted after all your pulling, bouncing, and the emotional "highs" and "lows" that the game ends and the boy runs back to class, leaving you alone on the teeter totter feeling pretty "low."

See, it's not a wall that you're building between you and others, it's just you have nothing to give right now. You're spending time with friends and family because you don't have anything to give, and they love you regardless, like you love them when they feel like this. The solitude and self-reflection is you recuperating, relaxing, finding yourself and your worth again. The solitude and self-reflection in addition to your family and friends, is your way of focusing on what IS most important, YOUR needs. That same combination of both will lift you off the ground and level out the teeter totter.

I hope you don't mind me commenting. Even though we don't talk at times I feel like we still know each other. Then again and like always, I'm probably wrong.

Either way, take care of YOU.

-J-

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